Eleanor Margolis writes candidly in the Guardian about her journey of not only discovering she was gay but her experiences of ’coming out’. Despite being supported by her mother, Elenaor says ” I find myself in mourning – grieving for the heterosexuality that might have been. I would never have chosen to be a lesbian.”
“I was 10 when I first decided to come out to my mother – even then, I had been wanting to tell someone for a long time. I had just discovered the word “lesbian” (cheers Ben Chambers, year 6, for introducing it to me), so that was the word I used. No one else was around when I went into my mum’s room, got into bed with her, and reached out for a hug. I was really crying, but she wasn’t disgusted. She explained that these sorts of feelings were normal for a child reaching puberty, and that as I got older I would “work things out”. She told me how much she loved me and made it clear she and my dad would have no problem if I turned out to be gay”.
“Coming out as a lesbian is not, as many straight people seem to think, akin to entering an exclusive, trendy club, where inhibitions are chucked aside along with bras. Is it possible that we’ve become too liberal to admit that being gay is still hard?”
Who is she? I don’t recognise her and I’d really like to get in touch with her to say that it’s not all that bad! I can’t leave comments on the Guardian website either… any ideas?
Obviously, being gay is not always a bowl of cherries and everyone’s experience is different but I’d just like to offer an alternative perspective. Maybe the Guardian would let me write a follow up article?
Hi Mel,
Thanks for your comments. I looked on Google but couldn’t find anything about Eleanor (other than this feature!). There is though a contact email on the article so I hope this helps.
lifeandstyle.editor@guardianunlimited.co.uk
Please do keep me posted if you do make contact with Eleanor.
Many thanks, Cecilia
Hi Mel,
I’m Eleanor. I know that my article shows the really negative side of being gay, and I realise that things won’t always be so bad.
It’s just that my personal experience, so far, has been very bumpy.
Some of my gay friends have had absolutely no trouble whatsoever with their sexuality. Others, like me, have really struggled. I just wanted to speak up for those of us who are having a hard time.
Hope you did’t find the piece too much of a bummer!
Best,
Ellie
I totally understood your article.
I feel the same. I feel I don’t belong on the straight scene cuz of my sexuality and I don’t feel I belong on the gay scene cuz not much of it is to my ‘taste’. It’s like I’m in some strange limbo.
My tastes don’t seem remotely catered for on the gay scene, musically, aesthetically, or any -ally really. ;o)
Hi Ellie,
Thanks for replying – and sorry if my response was a little sharp (I was typing quick on my lunch break).
It wasn’t a bummer… I guess I just really felt for you. There are some real truths in what you said but it’s the first time I’ve ever heard someone say that they wish they weren’t gay so it did shock me. I think location is a big issue – there’s a big difference between being gay in a cosmopolitan city (like where I am now) and being gay in an isolated rural area (like where I grew up). I think I’d feel differently if I hadn’t have moved away from home at the first opportunity.
I’m 30 (until Monday… then I’ll be 31) and I’ve known I was gay since I was about 14. In many ways my experience has been similar to yours – parents accepting, despite some initial concerns that it might be ‘a phase’, originally told people I was bisexual, disappointed by ‘the scene’ but I’m so, so happy that I am gay. I don’t find myself ‘grieving for the heterosexuality that might have been’, rather thanking my lucky stars that I am inclined towards women and I’ve been able to experience my life through a rainbow coloured lens.
Yes, the gay ‘scene’ is rubbish (at times) but that’s not all there is out there. And there are plenty of people railing against it (you just have to find them and that’s the tricky part!). I’m no more defined by the ‘scene’ than I imagine most 30-year old straight people are by the likes of Yates’ and Weatherspoons.
As for fancying ‘women who look like women’, I guess I’m lucky there. I have a wonderful girlfriend who is never more than a handbag away from her lipgloss and devotes her life to hoarding girlie shoes. But strip us off and there’s not much between us – clothes and hair are simply window dressings and the old adage of ‘butch on the streets, femme between the sheets’ often holds true. Besides, since lesbianism became so trendy, we seems to be in all shapes, sizes and shoes these days! The last time I went out on the scene I was one of the only women in the club with short hair… quite a turnaround really.
I won’t ramble on but please don’t give up. Look for other ways to meet women – social groups, walking, feminist stuff, the internet, anything that isn’t about the scene. I met my girlfriend at a friends wedding – and she was ‘straight’ at that point so don’t worry too much about your gaydar either.
Hi Mel,
Cheers for the response! I understand what you’re saying, I’m just not at a point in my life at the moment where I can really appreciate being gay. Like I said in the article, I hope I get to that stage soon.
However, when I had my first relationship with a woman earlier this year, it felt wonderful. It was an enormous relief to be with someone I was actually sexually attracted to, etc. A real shame she broke my heart!
Ellie
I can sympathise. Great article on the Guardian, though. I hope to hear more…
Hi Emma,
I found Eleanor’s feature very interesting as well. Thanks for your comment.
Cecilia
I thought the article was homophobic and woman hating and I’m surprised the Guardian published it. It will terrify any young woman reading it who is feeling worried about her sexuality and certainly isn’t going to encourage them to be proud of who they are and will also convince ignorant straight people that all lesbians are similarly self hating when they certainly aren’t . What was the Guardian thinking?
I also thought the reference to ‘women who look like women’ was particularly offensive. Is Eleanor Margolis saying butch/boyish lesbians look like men?
I totally understand where Eleanor is coming from. I certainly believe that being gay does make life that bit more difficult and lonely if you are looking for a partner in crime to spend your life with. I am a feminine woman who likes feminine women. They are not easy to find! I have always found the gay scene particularly draining and I don’t want my life to be defined by my sexuality.
I do think the scene is incredibly valuable for some people and it’s brilliant that there is so much on offer in London. There are alternatives, like social groups, sports clubs etc that I have tried, but again, for me, having to go to these sorts of things just to meet women leaves me feeling weary!
I have resorted to the internet or my last two relationships. It is a great way of meeting people, but I would prefer to meet someone more by chance.
@Katherine: I don’t think the article was homophobic. It was certainly negative, but Eleanor is only 21 and this is her experience so far and I think her comments are very important. With regards to “women who look like women” – yes, it depends on your definition of a woman, but there are some very ‘masculine’ women out – how would you define or describe it? Or do you not think it necessary? Personally, I think it is necessary for me because I do have a type of woman I go for.
Agree, with all you say.