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It’s not what you say

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it's not what women say, it's that they say it; freedom to speak, mary beard, meIt’s that you say it.

Mary Beard is as famous for her strong feminist views as she is for being disgustingly abused on social media for her feminist views.

She recently held a lecture entitled ‘The Public Voice of Women’ which could also have been called ‘the battered voice of women’.

There was a sentence in her lecture that I have always found of interest, in terms of the abuse received for having an opinion. She said ‘it is not what you say that prompts reaction, it’s the fact you’re saying it’.

It sometimes seems we are so used to receiving abuse that when Mary Beard reported she had received bomb threats, death threats and threats to rape her we just hopped on to the next tweet, shaking our heads.

It’s normal to get threats when you’re a woman standing up for yourself, isn’t it?

This got me thinking about my writing. It is not a vast career yet, the odd rant here and there and now most recently for WVoN.

When I approached WVoN about writing for them I was warned early on that I could receive negative and nasty remarks.

I responded by saying that that wasn’t unexpected – and that in itself gave me a jolt.

I expected to receive abuse for my writing.

I’ve experienced it before.

Apparently I appear on the ‘Men’s Rights Activism’ page on Facebook.

I can’t bring myself to ‘like’ the page to see their full comments, but I can see that I am accused of ‘bashing the celebration of single father parenthood’. Yes, because that is what I said.  Not.

It is easier now than ever to get our message across, about feminism.  Twitter, Tumblr, Facebook, WordPress. To me, feminism is literally all about one thing: equality.

I’m not asking for more, just to be treated equally, to be paid equally, to get equal parental rights, to have an equal chance of being an MP, to have an equal chance of walking down the road with the same reassurance as a man that my breasts won’t be commented on.  That’s all.

Why should I get abused for that?

Mary Beard spoke of what many of us know: that it is all down to history and the effects of that male-dominated society which still stifles and surrounds us today. The female voice is unexpected and unwanted. We still have to fight to be heard, to have a voice.

That is a lot easier said than done.

Being a feminist isn’t popular.  It certainly isn’t popular with many men. And unfortunately it also isn’t very popular with many women.

I often feel that people who know me view me as a moaner, whinger, complainer and can almost hear their ‘here she goes again’ mutterings.

I even set up a separate Facebook group because I thought I was getting on my friends’ nerves on my personal page with my posts about immigrants, benefits, sexism and domestic abuse.  Not popular subjects.

I enjoy running my separate group, but sadly I’m now mainly talking to the converted.

I can’t help myself having a voice. I spent most of my childhood living with domestic abuse and ended up with a rather strong, determined mum from it all.  It was out of my control to not be passionate about equality for women. One voice might stop one women being controlled and abused in that way. So I can’t stop.  However, I also acknowledge reluctantly that my voice isn’t popular. But why not?

The other day someone put up a ‘joke’ on Facebook – find the word in the puzzle and that describes the person you are.  ‘Gay’ was the only word in the puzzle.  There were many comments from various people and ‘jokes’.  I commented about the word gay being used to make fun of people and how dull it was.  The person took the post down, to be fair.  But I just knew that people who saw my complaint would be thinking – can’t she take a joke?

Yes, actually, I can.  I love a joke, a laugh, a giggle, but not at the expense of an individual.

My main issue really, that I keep having with myself, is why aren’t other women, or all women, doing the same, having a good whinge about stuff?

I don’t mean just whinging in life or being a bitch or hateful or slagging off men, I just mean standing up for themselves, shouting out – or even whispering assertively – when things are wrong. Unfairness. It’s wrong.  So say so.

When I was in school many moons ago when leg warmers were fashionable and my frizzy curly hair was the look everyone wanted along with the wide yellow belt and oversized turquoise shirt (yes, honestly), I couldn’t take metal work, woodwork or play football and rugby as a sport.  I had no choice but to wear my Marks and Sparks navy A-line skirt to school with white knee-high socks.  I was too scared to accept my sexuality. And my careers advisor told me I’d make a good secretary.

Thankfully, now it’s different.  My daughter may have wished the sports part had not changed, but she was able to play football (reluctantly) and it was just accepted that she’d go to university, and she got to make weird shaped key rings out of metal and once an ever-so-handy badly-shaped bottle opener.

The point is, now, everywhere, girls are playing rugby if they want and schools no longer decide that sewing is for girls and woodwork is for boys. Girls can say confidently they want to be engineers and a boy can be a hairdresser without question.

How did this change? Did it change because women didn’t say anything? Are all my friend’s daughters playing football down the park because women kept quiet? No.

People may not always like it, but we’re not hurting anyone, I’m not hurting men by having a voice, my son, brothers and step-dad know I’m not a ‘man hater’ (see how I have to justify myself!) – I hate inequality, not men.

Should I expect abuse because of this?

The very short answer is.

No.

  1. Spot on Dwysan Rowena! An excellent portrayal of how attacked we can feel when we state the case for equality. Xxxx

  2. Nelson Mandela was branded a terrorist by anti equality governments. Its always tough going up against the owners of the world … but necessary if our children will get a better world. Courageaux mon brave!

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