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The question more women should be asking…

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Men and women are sticking to the gender stereotypes when it comes to marriage proposals.

Ever since I got engaged last month, I’ve noticed some rather worrying trends in my behaviour.

My internet search history is now peppered with wedding blogs; I’ve started to view carboot sales as veritable treasure troves of adorable vintage wedding ephemera.

And perhaps most shamefully of all, I sometimes find myself mid-conversation, gazing distractedly much like a magpie in a jewellers, at the rather shiny and beautiful ring that now adorns my finger.

If I’m honest, I’ve been judging myself a little for this unforseen capitulation to gender stereotypes – occasionally I feel that it’s barely a step from here to desperately scraping together a dowry or promising to love honour and obey.

But perhaps it isn’t entirely my fault, because new research from the University of California, Santa Cruz, suggests that many women, even liberal and well educated women, are still drawn in by the charms of the traditional marriage proposal and the cultural fairytale that surrounds it.

The university’s survey of 278 straight college students failed to find a single man willing to admit to wanting a woman to do the asking, and of the 2.8 per cent of women prepared to even consider popping the question themselves, the furthest they were willing to go was ‘kind of’ wanting to propose.

It’s not a problem unique to the US either.

A 2010 survey of British attitudes revealed that just 1 in ten UK women do the asking, and three quarters of that minority still wish their partner ‘had gotten in’ first!

Let’s not forget that this is the generation which helped to vote in the US’s first Black president and push for the legalisation of gay marriage.

So why do progressive attitudes stall when it comes to the tyranny of the traditional proposal?

In the Santa Cruz study, both men and women cited gender-based expectations as key reasons for their preferences.

Researcher Rachael Robnett, a graduate student in psychology, explained: “A really commonly cited [explanation] was a desire to adhere to gender-role traditions, so this is something that is coming through very explicitly, straight from the mouths of our participants.”

Put simply, men often felt that failure to propose themselves would be a failure to live up to the strong, active, decisive role required of them.

Whereas a woman who took the bull by the horns (or the groom by the hand) faced anxieties about being seen as too needy or pushy.

For women in particular, the choice seems to be between being lumbered with one of two stereotypes: the passive, delicate flower awaiting her knight in shining armour, or the desperate, needy shrew trying in vain to tie down a man who’s just not that bothered.

It’s hardly surprising then, that many women prefer to opt for the former.

Of course, it isn’t as if men have it easily either.

For my boyfriend, finding the perfect ring and making the perfect proposal seemed like some medieval style test of his love.

In the past he could have simply fought a dragon, or written a sonnet, but these days, it’s getting the asking right that counts.

“I felt that if I loved you, I’d know how you wanted it to be,” he confessed to me when the deal was sealed, after months of looking at every ring in a 100-mile radius and practising in front of the mirror.

But the truth is, we do ourselves huge disservices when we paint ourselves into such a rigid structure.

Very few women these days intend to spend their marriages living up to stereotypes of ‘women’s roles’ so why not at least consider starting as you mean to go on.

Because ultimately, if you love someone enough to spend your life with them, who cares who asks the question that sets that in motion?

It would be great to hear from WVoN readers about attitudes to marriage and proposals.

Would you/have you proposed to your partner? Do you have strong feelings one way or the other?

  1. I would do it, propose to him! or how about what many couples do, just deciding TOGETHER to get married, maybe less fairytale like yes, but more real.
    Thanks for the article, seeing what the stereotypes mean really freaked me out!
    I vote for throwing the sterotypes out and deciding together as a couple to commit our lives to each other, no bowing no nothing! 🙂

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